what goes up, must come down

"Once on the elevator, elevator etiquette experts strongly recommend standing as close to a wall or corner as possible to make room for other riders. You should move to the back of the elevator if you are going a long way, and stay in the front if you plan to get off soon. If you decide to stand in front of the elevator buttons, be prepared to be asked to push buttons for other elevator riders.

While in an elevator, you shouldn't eat, smoke, or talk on your cellphone. Many people prefer to ride an elevator in silence, so if you have to strike up a conversation with someone, keep the topic neutral, and your tone of voice low. If other people in the elevator seem irritated or upset by your conversation, you may want to change the topic or quiet down. Step aside for people getting off the elevator, and be sure not to block the door when the elevator stops.  ~Wisegeek.com

Heh heh heh.  I've discovered a new hobby.  It's called "freak out the strangers on the elevator."  See, as the above etiquette guide from WiseGeek.com explains, people prefer to "ride an elevator in silence."  Why is that?  Do they really prefer silence or are they just uncomfortable in a socially awkward situation?  I have decided to test this theory during my stay in this hotel.  I'm not much on the scientific method, but I'm willing to repeat the test over and over again if it helps.

I began small.  Instead of moving to the rear of the elevator, back against the wall, I stood in the front and cheerfully asked "What floor can I push for ya?"  Sometimes people would mumble their floor, others moved to the other side of the elevator and pushed the button themselves. (I wonder if I creeped 'em out?)  Either way I then followed up with some kind of mundane statement like, "I wonder if it's still raining?" or "This sure is a nice elevator, isn't it?"   Occasionally I would get a response, often I wouldn't.  If people were wearing a conference nametag, I could be more direct.  "You enjoying the conference?  Where are you from?  Did you like the coffee at the breakfast this morning?  I thought it was yummy."   My  unscientific discovery was that men were more likely to respond with friendly banter then women, and that older people were friendlier than younger people.

Soon I realized I needed to expand my study, and I began to theorize about what people in elevators really do prefer.  Unfortunately I got distracted and forgot the point of my study.  Here's what I have discovered however.

Discovery  #1 - Don't tell people on the elevator the story about how your mom got stuck in an elevator for 5 hours, and the air conditioning and lights went out, and she thought she was going to die before being rescued by cute firefighters.  Even if you point out that the cute firefighters are what's important, fellow passengers don't seem to like the story.  Even if you follow up with a funny joke like, what do ghosts have in their noses?  (the answer of course, is boooogers.)  No one laughed.

Discovery #2 -  People look horrified if you make a funny noise and then say loudly, "That was my shoes making the noise, not me.  Really."  My shoes were squeaky after being outside walking in the rain, and the high pitched noise they made when I rubbed them on the tile floor was kinda cool.  I don't know what else the others thought it might be, but no one seemed amused, even when I explained.

Discovery #3 - People get really uncomfortable if you enter an elevator and, instead of turning around with your back to the wall, face the rest of the group and look people directly in the eyes.  Even if I smiled, folks looked away and got off the elevator (sometimes at a lower floor than the button they originally pushed).  Most folks would look over my head at the display telling which floor was being passed; a few looked down at the floor.  No one smiled back. 


Discovery #4 - If you think out loud, "I wonder how many verses of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall I could sing before the 12th floor?" people look at you mean.  It's like they think you're really going to try it when in actuality it was just a rhetorical question. Geez.


I still have a few more days in the hotel, and lots of trips in the elevator, and I grant this issue warrants further study.  I'm not sure yet which aspects of elevator culture I'll explore next....but I'm sure I can come up with something.