nylons, the scourge of womanhood

Today I had one of those meetings where I had to wear nylons. I typically try to avoid wearing nylons if at all possible, preferring pants or tights or even bare legs. My friend who has one of those "has to wear panty hose" type of jobs claimed to not understand what the big deal was until I asked her how do she feels when she get home at the end of the day and gets to take those evil things off? Her response, "Ahhhhhhh, they're off." See! And then she acknowledged I was right: nylons are the scourge of womanhood.

So why are nylons so evil... let me count the ways.
1) They're expensive. The ones I had to buy for today were $8.50 at Fred Meyers. That's two mochas or a bottle of cheap wine, both of which are far more fun than buying nylons.

2) They run. Today my wedding ring caught my hose and I thought I was done for. Luckily no run at that point. Then I went to the bathroom before the meeting and almost pulled the nylons up to forcefully and ripped them. Then there's the danger of too sharp toenails causing a tear, or an itch on the knee which requires scratching that could rend the sheer (but pricey) fabric. All in all, wearing nylons mean living in a constant state of fear of the dreaded run.


3) They're oddly sized and the packaging is confusing. Panty hose aren't sized like normal clothes, or like shoes or socks. They come in various combinations of A, B, C, D which require the buyer to look at a little chart on the back, go across the table by height and then cross reference down by weight and hope you're solidly in the middle of a color that then corresponds to a letter. And even if you think you're doing it right, sometimes you bring home the right size in a petite, just like I did. And the fun part is you don't discover that your panty hose are petites until you go to put them on and they only pull up to your knees. Then you're running late, panty hose are only up to your knees (and probably starting to run from being pulled up) and it's utter nylon disaster which sends you back to the store to start the whole dreaded process all over again. For $8.50.

4) Elastic. The elastic waistband of panty hose tends to be thin and hit in wierd places. If a girl's got a belly or no hips the waistband likes to roll up and make a choker around your midsection. If you can find nylons that fit and are affordable, and you're lucky enough to not get a run, the nylons have tricked you into thinking you can wear them again. Not so. The elastic waistbands in nylons are untrustworthy. Here is a prime example...
Once upon a time in my youth I worked for Alaska State Parks and I got to issue licenses to fishing guides on the Kenai River. As guiding is a high pressure livelihood and timing is everything, the process of permitting guides and getting them to fishing is a high pressure occupation unto itself. On some peak days I'd license 35-40 guides, on my feet all day without taking a break. On one such day I reached to grab something off the copier and thought I felt the elastic waistband of my nylons give a little. A little later I bent down to grab a form and felt a little more give. That's when I realized that the elastic on my nylons was about to stop working. I was too ignorant to panic at the time, not knowing the dire consequence of worn out elastic. But as the day went on, I felt my nylons start to slide down from my waistline. Soon, the "waistband" of my nylons was down at my tush and an open office with river guides lining the walls doesn't provide much opportunity for a discreet "hike up the nylons" move. Eventually I was licensing guides with my nylons around my thighs, and ultimately, I was standing at the counter with my knees locked together keeping those puppies from hitting the floor. Thank goodness my skirt was long enough to cover it. Finally, 3:00 hit and the guides all left and I plopped into my chair exhausted from trying to deal with panty hose trauma. As I pulled the damn things off and shared the story with my coworkers, they all started to laugh. Really laugh. To this day I don't understand why it was funny. They even gave me packages of panty hose as a going away present when I left that job....

As for today's panty hose adventure, I made it to the meeting, through the meeting, and to the bathroom after the meeting with nylons in tact. I did pull them off in a bathroom stall and say "ahhhh" as I pulled on my trusty wool socks and blue jeans. Nylons, the scourge of womanhood.... especially once I got home and got to take off the damn bra.