week two

Okay, I've made it one week now. Last Wednesday was my first day of my leave of absence. At this time last week, I didn't know if I would make it or not. Literally. I was tears, anxiety, stress, guilt, sadness, anger, fear.... I didn't feel like I was a teacher any more, like I was a person any more.

This week, it's better.

I'm getting lots of invitations and positive affirmations from folks. Coffee invitations, phone calls to check on me, supportive messages and emails. It's all very nice; it makes me feel like I'm not a totally horrible person for not teaching this year.

I'm feeling a bit worried that some folks are using my leave as a call to arms about school changes at Lathrop, especially in the honors program. I don't want to be a part of that; I just want to be healthy and happy and figure out how to be both next year, where ever I am.

I've been walking, which feels good. I've been napping, which also feels good. I hadn't realized how weary I was, and in some ways I still am. I've made dinner for my family, dropped my son off at school, picked him up, visited with some friends. I manage to make it through much of the day without replaying events in my head, re-thinking past decisions, second guessing myself. Nights are still hard. I'm having school dreams almost every night, all sorts of school dreams. Some comforting, some terrifying. Then, I wake up and starting thinking. I'm ready for that to stop, or at least stop making my blood pressure race and my stomach drop.

My hope is that once I get my mind under control, I can figure out how to get my body under control. Then the business of figuring out my future begins.....