the look

My 15 year old daughter was reprimanding me yesterday about "the look." According to her "the neurosynapsis between [my] brain and [my] face are disconnected." She decided this yesterday after she was telling me about the jewelry selling business and how it's a male dominated field. I had never thought much about the jewelry selling business and was listening to her and pondering when she exclaimed "Why don't you believe me??!! Why are you giving me that look!!??"

Now I hadn't realized I was giving any specific look, and I certainly wasn't trying to look like I didn't believe her, so I asked calmly, "What look?"

"The Look!" she said, "the look that you give when you're mad or something."


"So is it an 'I don't belive you' look or is it an 'I'm mad' look?" I was seriously trying to clarify this look thing, as it produced quite a reaction in the girl.

"It's both. It's your look. You know what I mean."

Now, I really didn't know what she meant. In fact I was perplexed as to what the look was and how it could mean so many different things. So I did what I do.... I pondered and asked the occasional clarifying question.

As I pondered it occurred to me that I'd heard about this look before from my students. On occasion, the honors-level students who always wanted the right answer to each question, would begin to speak and then stop because of "the look." In that situation it was interpreted as either "That's totally ridiculous" or "I'm humored by your lack of intelligence and preparation." Now, as a high school teacher there is absolutely no doubt that at times I had those thoughts about students, but I made darn sure they didn't show on my face!

So based upon these two situations, I've decided that I must make an odd facial expression when I'm thinking or listening hard to something.

What's interesting is the negative inference of the look. In both situations my thinking face is interpreted as "bad." So this idea leads to more pondering.... am I just so negative and judgmental that it's assumed I'm feeling that way? Am I so scary as a teacher and parent, so demanding of truth and correctness that I make postulating risky?

So I went back to Ali and discussed the fact that if she was interpreting something from my facial expression, I'd appreciate her asking before she assumed it was a bad face. She agreed. This is when she gave me her theory on my disconnected brain (from a teenager, the irony of this conversation might be worth another blog post....).

I've decided to now be more aware of my facial expression and the reaction of others to it. Maybe I need to test the look in other situations, like on my husband or colleagues or strangers at the coffee shop or the dog. Maybe I need to put vaseline on my teeth like a pageant queen and show my pearly whites a little more. Maybe I need little emoticon faces I can hold up as I react to conversations.

Or maybe, just maybe, this ability to frustrate and confuse a teenager could come in handy....