Northern Noise

Funny what sets me off these days. I can be totally fine and then a random thought about school pops into my head and I feel my heart start racing. Certain names on Facebook start the same reaction, as do finding "to do" lists with things undone, or seeing dishes in the sink. Ultimately, I must learn to master this physical reaction. At the very least, I need to figure out how to acknowledge it when it happens, and then let it go. I'm not very good at letting things go lately. I used to be really good at it, or so I thought. I think that's one of the major indicators of how I've changed. Both in teaching at when I worked at State Parks, I saw my ability to not take things personally as one of my strengths. I could work my tail off and then, at the end of the day, go home and have a life. Somehow over time, my work took over more and more of my life. I'm lucky that my husband is as patient and supportive as he is, and I'm amazed that he didn'...

This morning we took the eldest child up to UAF to get her into her dorm. It's an exciting time for her with so many adventures ahead of her, but it's been sort of a bittersweet day here. We'll all miss her, especially her brother who doesn't quite understand how this is all going to work and when he'll see her again. Walking into the dorm was kinda funny. I lived in various UAF dorms during my span of years and I had lots of grand adventures. College life was fun, and learning that I alone was ultimately responsible for how my life went was an all-important lesson to learn. Hauling some of her stuff to her room, I felt like it wasn't that long ago I was living in the dorms. I hope that Hannah can have the fun times, the adventures and the life lessons she needs without too much unnecessary "bad stuff." So the rest of us will go on - to work, high school, first grade, and towards sanity (hopefully). It's a new era for our household and lots ...

Okay, I've made it one week now. Last Wednesday was my first day of my leave of absence. At this time last week, I didn't know if I would make it or not. Literally. I was tears, anxiety, stress, guilt, sadness, anger, fear.... I didn't feel like I was a teacher any more, like I was a person any more. This week, it's better. I'm getting lots of invitations and positive affirmations from folks. Coffee invitations, phone calls to check on me, supportive messages and emails. It's all very nice; it makes me feel like I'm not a totally horrible person for not teaching this year. I'm feeling a bit worried that some folks are using my leave as a call to arms about school changes at Lathrop, especially in the honors program. I don't want to be a part of that; I just want to be healthy and happy and figure out how to be both next year, where ever I am. I've been walking, which feels good. I've been napping, which also feels good. I hadn't ...

So today was my first official day of being on a long term leave. Basically, I'm unemployed. The last few years have been rough - lots of professional battles, school & union politics, life issues, death issues, kid issues, health issues. It didn't take long to realize that another year like last one would kill me. So, with the support of my husband and his assurance that our family won't starve, I applied for and received leave. My goal: to get healthy and get happy for myself and my family. Step 1 of the plan is to spend a few days just letting myself be. I need to rest, cry, rejoice, sleep, mourn and adjust. Step 2 will be to start rediscovering myself. It will be good.

So my children are trying to kill each other. Not literally, but in all other senses of the word. The oldest can't just ignore the youngest. The youngest knows every trick to tormenting both his oldest and elder sisters. The middle one manages to navigate the tightrope of not getting pulled into the eldest's drama and is authoritative enough to tell the youngest to knock it off. I think I need more wine. Or for school to start. Or a giant treadmill to lock them to.